Suck My Blog

Google Earth: A Peeping Tom Telescope For The World

Being able to view interactive satellite footage from anywhere in the world is an amazing example of how far technology has come.

It's also VERY boring!  I mean, after I look at the rooftop of my apartment, what else is there to do?  Well, you could always check out the topless sunbathers:

Ah, suddenly Google Earth becomes, dare I say it, sexy!  Why limit yourself to looking through a window with binoculars, just barely catching a glimpse of a girl in her bra (if only that tree branch wasn't in the way), when a whole Google Earth's worth of topless chicks are out there, basking in the sun, practically begging to be photographed by a satellite in space.  The future of being a pervert is here!  Now if only they didn't look like flesh colored Micro Machines.

Sad Day For Internet Critics / Boxers

I knew that Uwe Boll, the director of several bad video game to movie adaptations, would win any boxing match with internet critics.  Even though I was rooting for Lowtax at SomethingAwful and Ain't It Cool News' Jeff Sneider, I wouldn't have put money on them.  Still, it was disappointing to hear about their respective knockouts in the ring yesterday.

However, it was strange to hear what different reports are confirming about the fights:

• Uwe Boll told these guys that the match would be a harmless, fun publicity stunt, then turned the tables at the last minute, fighting as fiercely as he could.
• One film critic who came down to fight him was told to go home, cause Uwe's team found out he had actual boxing experience.
• Uwe told the critics he'd arrange for them to get boxing lessons, and never did.

Cheating a boxing match in your favor, especially when you're fighting skinny nerds to begin with, is as lame as it gets.  Or, to put it another way: Congratulations, Uwe Boll!  You've earned this...

Wikipedia or EnSEXclopedia?

Fact: As you read this post, tens of thousands of people are looking for "female porn stars," "big busted models," and "sexual positions" on the internet.  But unlike the clods who do it on Google, these tens of thousands are looking smart while they search for smut!

If you're turned on by unobjective, academic, user-moderated descriptions of hot girls and porno, then Wikipedia is the porn site for you!  According to this list of Top 100 Wikipedia articles (based on views), the people's encyclopedia is all about getting people off - in as frigid a way as possible.  Three of the top ten most viewed pages are about sex, and that's counting three pages that are about the Wikipedia itself.

But Wikipedia is more than just porn.  Check out numbers 16-18:

16.  Pokemon
17.  September 11, 2001 attacks
18.  Celebrity Sex Tape

They've got your celebrity sex tapes -- yay!  However, in addition, they've also got September 11th and Pokemon for the kids!  Also, it's worth noting that Pokemon beat 9/11, so big ups to all my trainers out there.

In conclusion, get off Google Images, and hop on the Wikipedia Sexpress!  WOO!  WOO!  All aboard... for sex!

No LG Allowed at Fascist Work or School?

So, if your bearded, wishes-he-was-funnier computer teacher or your bearded, wishes-he-was-better-looking boss constantly looks over your shoulder to make sure you're not visiting our blog, you can do one of two things:

1. Start beating yourself up in front of him, like in Fight Club.

2. Use WorkFriendly.net to mask websites as Word files.

WorkFriendly takes websites and strips away graphics, then formats the text as if it was a Word document.  This will definitely work -- until your teacher/boss figures it out.  Then you'll have to use a website that masks the mask from WorkFriendly.net as an Excel spreadsheet.  Pretty soon, you won't even remember what you wanted to look at in the first place, but at least you'll be wasting time!

MySpace vs. SoonToBeDeadSpace

There's a war coming.  A vicious, horribly one-sided prank war that will end all internet prank wars.  Home pages will be defaced, flame warriors will blast comments pages, websites will be shut down.  I can smell it in the air.  It's coming.  Prepare yourself:

There's a MySpace for old people.

There's a new social networking site for people over 50.  You heard me.  Not only that, but one of the features is an "online obituary database that sends out alerts when someone you may know dies."

The biggest laughing stock of the internet?  Almost certainly.  But it's more than that.  It's as though all the authority figures in your life -- parents, teachers, principals -- got on board a rickety boat they don't know how to operate, called the S.S. Social Networking.  Now here comes their children and students, on the tricked out Turbo Speed Yacht called S.S. MySpace Is Awesome.  Uh oh.  The kids ain't stopping!  And it looks like they're gonna -- oh, no!  Watch out for... (!)

Old people, grab your life preservers.  You're about to learn a lesson, taught by a 14 year old.

TXTing ROX, Email SUX!

According to a recent article, text messaging has replaced email as the most popular way for teens to talk to one another.  In honor of this outrageous new trendy, here's a gnarly list of why texting is so NOW and in your face, and why email is for skeazy lameoids & parents (ugh)!

1. Text messages totally cost money every time you send one, which is very excellent.  Emails are free, like algebra tests are free -- and who wants to take an algebra test?  Nerds!
2. With texting, you're limited to a small number of words per text -- radical!  Boundaries rule, like the boundary between your room and your little brother's (whatta dorkus maximus he is).  Emails can carry a lot more info... about boring homework.  NEXT!
3. Text message inboxes fill up really fast -- with texts from hot girls wanting to hook up with you at Jessica's party.  With GMail you've got... what?   Two gigabytes (emphasis on "bites"), and half of it is being used for emails from your parents, telling you to wash the dog.  BO-RING!
4. If you're texting, you know how bodacious it is to type each letter in one at a time.  The more time you spend with your cell phone, the cooler you become.  That's called Cool Mathmatics or Coolmatics!  Are you spending time with you email client instead?  Do you also get a lot of wedgies?  We thought so.
5. And finally: Texts Rule, Emails Drool.  In your face, pee-mail!

Headbutt Hi-Jinx

I love the internet.  Or rather, I love how the internet takes an event, and immediately adds video games, Star Wars, and Monty Python to it.  Witness the France-crushing World Cup headbutt as viewed through the eyes of video editing geeks:

[Click Here]

I like how awkward the MC Hammer version turned out.

I'm Afraid of EVERYONE on MySpace!

We all know there are tons of child molesters on MySpace.  Boooooorrrrrring!

The newest, deadliest MySpace threats are the exact opposite of child molesters -- teenage girls (they're not exact opposites, but you get the idea)!  Two teens in Jacksonville were arrested for robbing a man at gun point.  The girls tricked him into thinking he was meeting a date on MySpace, then attempted to steal his wallet.

So now I'm afraid of creepy child molesters and teenage girls, which together make up +90% of the MySpace community.  The only users on MySpace you can currently trust are celebrities, porn stars, pets, and only some movies (Pirates of the Caribbean is okay, but X3 will try to steal your credit card information / your virginity).

KURT COBAIN'S SUICIDE LETTER W/ GOOGLE ADS

Here's a cool little hack that some sick genius bastard put together. Ever wondered what kind of Google ads would pop up on Kurt Cobain's suicide letter. Well now you can find out. Some of the ads:

• Speech Anxiety Audio Tape
• Some God Love video
• Fear Ringtones!?!
• Sad Therapy
• Free huge self-help ebook - it's huge

Pretty neat! However, there is nothing for Cialis.

This all is even cooler because I never read his suicide letter in it's entirety. Is it just me or is he being hilarious in parts of the letter? Lots of exclaimation points.

(via Kottke)