Suck My Blog

Tell Someone To "Eat It" - Ghostbusters Style!

My girlfriend works at an awesome store called Big Kid, where they sell all kinds of useless junk I really want.  I recently bought a pack of Ghostbusters 2 trading cards, and apart from a two decades old piece of gum and a sticker, I got this amazing trading card:

(Click on the image for a larger version)

Oh, man.  I've wanted to insult Vigo for so long now, and now I've finally got the perfect words and image with which to do it.  And now you do to!  With a little Photoshoppery, I made this gift for all you Suck My Blog readers...

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

We were all blessed with The Transformers movie trailer that dropped a couple weeks ago, now nerds across the world are getting themselves to orgasm by the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle trailer that just came out. Are these guys cool? Like, do nerds like turtles the same way they like cars that turn into killer robots? I was soooo into these things when I was younger. Loved the video game...Nintendo I think it was. And the movies weren't half bad. The voices for this updated version aren't cast yet, but one gets to wonder: Will Corey Feldman be working again?

Hollywood Makes Big Bucks Off YOUR Misery

9-11 Films?  BOOOORRRRRIIIIIIINNNGGGG!!!!!  That tragedy is SO over, as in "NEXT!" 

The hottest real life disaster heading for the big screen is gonna blow into a theater near you.  It'll knock your socks off, and knock your house down!  Somebody call FEMA, cause the box office will be a disaster area, once the new Hurricane Katrina movie obliterates the competition, and leaves them homeless in a football stadium!

Who should star?  Jim Carrey and Cameron Diaz.  They can play serious, but they know how to make an audience laugh.  They're a dream team.

Miami's Vice: No Ridiculous Colors!

You cannot make a serious action movie out of Miami Vice.  It's just not happening.  If you take away the retarded pastel colors and fashion, what else do you have?  That's literally all that anyone remembers about the show.

Question: What was Miami Vice?
Typical Answer:  Wasn't that the 80's cop show where they're dressed like idiots?

I understand the desire for the movie to take itself seriously -- but come on.  Miami Vice?  It'd be like making a serious A-Team movie, and trying to "tone down" Mr. T.  If you don't have Mr. T hilariously screaming about getting on an airplane, or calling people "fool," or saying "jibba jabba," you've pretty much just shot yourself in the foot.

If you want to make a drab action film, go ahead.  But leave my sacred, pink and blue memories of 80's TV cop shows alone.

Film List Screws Up Big Time!

An Ohio newspaper recently published a list of films that local Ohio residents think best represent American life.  Like most local residents of places, they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about.  These jerks list movies like American Beauty, Erin Brockovich, and You've Got Mail.   Meg Ryan doesn't represent America.  Meg Ryan represents awful.

There's only one movie that truly captures and summarizes the everyday challenges and hardships inherent in the American experience, and the responsibilites of freedoms which we take for granted.  Of course, I'm talking about 1984's The Last Starfighter.  It's the story of a boy from the mid-west who accomplishes his goal of going to college by going into space and fighting villains in a video game, then never goes to college.  The American dream of playing video games and eventually having something happen to you is masterfully executed in this riveting drama (for more works of this calibre, see Tron and Captain N: The Video Game Master).

In conclusion, Ohio sucks.

Spider-Man 3 Trailer: Web of Predictability

If you're a geek, your Spider-Senses are probably tingling right now (see illustration).  That's because the trailer for Spider-Man 3 premiered today on Apple Trailers.

Why do people go crazy for these things?  I know guys who go to a movie they know they'll hate, just to see a trailer (guys = fanboys).  However, if you've seen a few action movie trailers, you can probably guess what happens in the clip.

Q: Can you guess what happens in the beginning of the Spider-Man 3 trailer?  The answer won't surprise you!  ("Continue reading" for the answer)

Snarky Quotes About "Click"

People may not listen to or care about what film critics have to say anymore -- almost all the box office successes so far this summer were critically panned -- but that doesn't stop them from being pointlessly cruel and snarky!  Here's what critics have to say about Adam Sandler's Click:

"It's a movie that shoots lazily for Capraesque and settles happily for Crapesque."
-- Scott Weinberg, EFILMCRITIC.COM

Ouch!  That'll teach Sandler to shoot for Frank Capra's greatness! 

"...I was wishing for a magical remote that would click it off."
-- Tony Medley, TONYMEDLEY.COM

Way to use the film's own premise against it!

"...Sandler has a sappy side that makes me puke. I damn near choked on Click."
-- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Quick!  Get Peter Travers a glass of water!  He's choking on a movie!

"All I wanted was a magical remote control of my own so I could skip past seeing this unfunny and monotonous piece of crap."
-- Devin Faraci, CHUD

Two remote jokes!  This bad movie has officially been "remote controlled."

"Why Click fails to click is because of a crass, uncertain script, which wavers between an unfunny Saturday Night Live skit and a Lifetime Channel movie. Only once, near the end, did I care about his plight. But then, maybe it was heartburn."
-- Randy Myers, CONTRA COSTA TIMES

Way to put the movie in its place, Randy Myers of Contra Costa Times!  Wherever that is!

[Thanks to Rotten Tomatoes for the quotes.  And I won't be seeing Click -- but I am going to see critical darling Nacho Libre this weekend.]

THE DA VINCI CODE - THE CRITICS WERE RIGHT

Just a quick note to the people who have not yet seen The Da Vinci Code.

The critics were right. The movie isn't that good. Tom Hanks is a Zombie. I almost fell asleep at some parts. Notes:

• I can see somebody have a hard time with this movie if they didn't read the book. They crammed a crapload of information into the movie, more than most people can digest in just one sitting.
  
  
• Everybody was good in this movie except Hanks. He was just a little stale, not the joke-y, wise-cracking Hanks that we all know.


• The music was really cool.
  
  
• I am now scared of Albinos.
  
• Because of the movie, I  no longer believe in Jesus. (j/k God!)

THE DA VINCI CODE ACCORDING TO TOMATOES

Wow. It looks like the critics really hate The Da Vinci Code. An 18 % freshness rating...that's horrible.

However, it depends on who you trust when it comes to movie reviews. I'm not for the life of me trusting most of these reviewers for an honest review of this movie, especially all the critics who bashed it at Cannes. Two reasons: 1) Lots of people want this movie to fail because it's almost destined to do amazing.  2) Critics are most likely the type of snobs who think that The Da Vinci Code book isn't "real literature" and so want it to fail because they can't stand that something so mass-market is going to be this megahit.

Roger Ebert gave it a good review. To a lot of people, he's the only one who counts.

TOY STORY 2 REQUIEM

So, cool.