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Nightly News Cap

A few stories for your weekend party or your Jewish atonement-thingy:

• A Florida congressman resigns over sexual IMs to a teenager - "i'm gonna pass a bill through *yer* house, lol. ;-)"
• Soon we'll have space tourism via Virgin Galactic spaceliners - if you have a fear of flying, prepare to have an enormous freak out.
• Wigs for babies - I'm glad we can finally admit that babies are naturally ugly.

Foreigners / Idiots Are Very Funny!

My great grandfather had a saying, and I think this video shows how true it was: "funny accents and bad coordination will lead to many views on YouTube."  He was right:

Ban The Fat. ALL FAT!

The New York City Board of Health wants to ban artificial trans fat from restaurants.  Trans fat is very bad for your health, but it's also very cheap, which is why it's often used in fast foods.

Let it be known that I, Roadblock, whole heartedly support this ban.  Ban trans fat, I say.  It hurts our bodies and kills our children!  Tell McDonald's where they can shove their cheeseburger -- up their fat asses!

But why stop at trans fat?  Ban ALL fat.  I know I live in California, but I hope the New York State government can somehow force me to eat only health food.  Don't let me decide whether or not I should eat a chocolate cake, cause I might do it!  And I'd be hurting myself!  With CAKE!

Ban fat people in general!  They encourage us "norms" (skinny people) to eat, which is bad for us. Ban the fatties!  And their fat little dogs, too!  Send them all to fat camps, where they'll do forced labor exercises and shed those gross pounds!

Ban Fat Albert!  And Fatty Arbuckle shorts!  And the song "Fat" by Weird Al Yankovic!  And the word "fat!"  Ban it all!  Stop me before I eat again!

*Catching Breath*  Man, all that yelling made me thirsty.  I'm gonna drink a milkshake, one that's hopefully full of refreshing trans fats.  (Good thing I live in California.)

Morning Roundup

Good morning.  How was your torture last night?

• The new terrorist torture bill that passed the Senate will eliminate habeas corpus.  "Habeas corpus" sounds silly, like "razamataz" and "bibbity bobbity boo," but apparently it's very important.
• Was the Harry Morton / Lindsay Lohan relationship a sham?  Uh, no!  Something phoney happened it Hollywood!
• Singer Pink will help you come out of the closet -- whether you like it or not!
• Squirrels are going screwy, and not in the funny cartoon way.

Nightly News Cap

Two minutes till midnight!  The hands that threaten news!

• Animal rights activists condemn kangaroo boxing - Haven't these people seen a single cartoon? Kangaroos are nature's finest boxers.
• Take a cruise with has-been rock bands - They perform at seven, and throw themselves over board out of despair at nine.
• Anna Nicole Smith marries her lawyer - a match made in scum bag heaven.

If Tony Danza's Marriage Can't Make It, What Makes You Think Yours Can?

In what is surely a blow to kinda-happily married folks everywhere, Tony Danza and his wife announced that they are separating after 20 years of marriage. We want to know where this marriage went wrong. Whas is Tony's tap dancing? Was it his eternal love for Samantha that never went away after Who's The Boss? Was it that Tony is a born again has-been now that his talk show's been cancelled? Who knows. Who ever knows how love ends so tragically...that a husband who seemed to always be dancing on top of the world...and a wife, who nobody ever new even existed....can just separate after all these years. It's just sad, damnit! Sad I tell you!

Watch Tony Danza kick this guys ass.

I Hope We Pass The Audition!

This YouTube clip has been rising in the charts: it's a guy looking for amateur musicians to provide music for his "video" -- Check it out:

WOW!  This is a big opportunity for amateur musicians everywhere to be part of a "video."  A real "video!"  Not sure what kind of video, but it's definitely a video, so it might be great!

Well, we're gonna jump on this golden opportunity.  Doc Manhattan, Tom the Flash Programmer and I have a band, so we're submitting our demo for inclusion in the film.  They're looking for a "fight song" that ends on a "strong note," and we delivered!  We've got our fingers crossed our sound is what they're looking for.  Otherwise, we've got a lot more practice to do before we can board The Superstar Train!

Click Here To Listen To Our Demo

Video stardom, here we come (oh please, oh please, oh please)!

Google Earth: A Peeping Tom Telescope For The World

Being able to view interactive satellite footage from anywhere in the world is an amazing example of how far technology has come.

It's also VERY boring!  I mean, after I look at the rooftop of my apartment, what else is there to do?  Well, you could always check out the topless sunbathers:

Ah, suddenly Google Earth becomes, dare I say it, sexy!  Why limit yourself to looking through a window with binoculars, just barely catching a glimpse of a girl in her bra (if only that tree branch wasn't in the way), when a whole Google Earth's worth of topless chicks are out there, basking in the sun, practically begging to be photographed by a satellite in space.  The future of being a pervert is here!  Now if only they didn't look like flesh colored Micro Machines.

Morning Roundup

Good morning!  Of course, you know, this means war...

• The new leader of al-Qaida in Iraq is calling for "holy war."  Who didn't see that coming?
• Jessica Simpson's dad wants to "beat the crap" out of Bam Margera.  That footage will end up in Jackass 3.
• You can take the drugs out of Pete Doherty, but you -- oh, wait.  No, you can't.
• Pfft.  If technology can't figure out why the Mona Lisa is so great, then what is technology even good for?  Answer: Nothing.

LITTLE SUPERSTAR RULES YOUTUBE

Are you ready for the next big internet star? He's name is Little Superstar (although around the office with call him Little F***er) and he is awesome. Check it out his dope karate moves!